Well let me confes, I am a closet smoker I have been for about a year now.. No one knows in the family except 1 person and she wont tell... I started smoking to deal with being alone so much I would walk and smoke...I was so lonly when we first moved my hun was working crazy hours and I was spending more time alone.. we was fighting more..he blamed for any and every thing it felt like.. he was drinking harder and more often.. It was so bad I wanted to Die, I evan tried but I fucked that up..I still love my hun I think I always will but there are days where I just wish I could no longer be.. Just go to sleep and stay that way never have to feel , Never hear again how much I hurt him ( he reambers every thing I ever said or did, and loves to remind me)
to never be blamed for his unhappyness, to never know he want's to fuck someone other than me, God so many things to just let go of and all I have to do is go to sleep and stay their.some days thats the only thing that helps me is to know I can go to sleep , but then I reamber I will wake up and it all starts again.
When we have a stretch of good days day's where i belive he love's me and wants to be with me themn we fall back into step and I relize that that was not us and I get back our days and they hurt evan more.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
How can some one tell you they want to be with you and that they like you and then
want you to change what you think and some times what you feel, my Hun wants me to be the type of woman who is a saint when away from him and whore when I am with him, he dose not like my body size since i gained weight but enjoys seeing other men with me, when I want him to just enjoy being with me alone. Don't get me wrong I enjoy getting two cock's but I would love to get his and have him show as much pleasure when it is just us.And yet he doesn't other men have told me I am pretty a few have Evan said I was beautiful ( i wish it was coming from my Hun) they don't seem to mind my size or the grey hair that sometimes comes's threw.Well I met some one who enjoyed talking to me ( yeah I fell for the Bull shit) to just being with me he would tell I was Beautiful and smart and that he enjoyed just being near me ( God I sucked it up like sunshine) I couldn't call him he had to call me I couldn't write him I had to wait for him to contact me, He was married and just as unhappy as I was.
We would meet in the park and just talk some times he would hold me and god it felt so good,
I knew he was leading up to sleeping with me and I didn't care it felt so good to be wanted just as I was,God and when I finally was with him it felt like magic ( I never knew I guy could fake so well)
When I moved he changed , he wanted me to change he wanted me to drive to see him 1 hour away
and when I said no he told me I needed to get a life, I needed to be able to go out and not explain myself to any one, I never talked to him about his relationship with his wife and I never offered advice on it so I didn't like him telling me how to deal with mine, I think this pissed him of and that's why he played me and walked . He wanted me to change my whole emotional make up to be what he wanted,He really didn't want me as I was.
want you to change what you think and some times what you feel, my Hun wants me to be the type of woman who is a saint when away from him and whore when I am with him, he dose not like my body size since i gained weight but enjoys seeing other men with me, when I want him to just enjoy being with me alone. Don't get me wrong I enjoy getting two cock's but I would love to get his and have him show as much pleasure when it is just us.And yet he doesn't other men have told me I am pretty a few have Evan said I was beautiful ( i wish it was coming from my Hun) they don't seem to mind my size or the grey hair that sometimes comes's threw.Well I met some one who enjoyed talking to me ( yeah I fell for the Bull shit) to just being with me he would tell I was Beautiful and smart and that he enjoyed just being near me ( God I sucked it up like sunshine) I couldn't call him he had to call me I couldn't write him I had to wait for him to contact me, He was married and just as unhappy as I was.
We would meet in the park and just talk some times he would hold me and god it felt so good,
I knew he was leading up to sleeping with me and I didn't care it felt so good to be wanted just as I was,God and when I finally was with him it felt like magic ( I never knew I guy could fake so well)
When I moved he changed , he wanted me to change he wanted me to drive to see him 1 hour away
and when I said no he told me I needed to get a life, I needed to be able to go out and not explain myself to any one, I never talked to him about his relationship with his wife and I never offered advice on it so I didn't like him telling me how to deal with mine, I think this pissed him of and that's why he played me and walked . He wanted me to change my whole emotional make up to be what he wanted,He really didn't want me as I was.
Just Rambling on
OK so why do always feel it is so much easier to listed to the bull shit from a pretty face and ignore the truth's of reality. My reality is I have 3 son's my oldest dose not like me ( He may Evan Hate me and his dad) he describes me to other's as a drunk and a druggie ( I don't drink and my kids have never seen me do drug's-I don't do them) and just all out no good He Say's his dad abused him that he would beat him for no reason, my son seems to blame me and his dad for a lot of his messes,
I still love my son and if he ever needs me I will be there for him I will never turn him away or his kids, I will also never lie to him. I don't like the man he has become, he is lazy ( his father never was he is a man who deals with his respocibiliys) he makes kids and dose not care for them, how can a man walk away from his kids, I just don't understand him. My second born son goes threw fazes where he loves me and then dislikes me,( he always loves his dad) he may dislike me but he never disrespects me. for the longest time I didn't understand him, I am learning to now. He has a good heart but it can also be hard
he can Evan be deliberately cruel I do have at times a hard heart but I have never been deliberately cruel.
my oldest son has 4 living kids 3 girls and 1 boy he See's and cares for none of them, he has a girl who was killed by her mother at 22 months of age this effected him not at all. He is very good at playing the emotion card on people but in truth I don't think he has any. My second son has 4 kids 2 girls and 2 son's his oldest son he has no contact with but he is at least finally paying child support for this awesome kid, Because he is not the center of his son's attention and his son's mother can no longer stand my son he has cut them out of his life he has nothing to do with them. He is married now with 3 kids from this woman and i have to admit that he is a good dad, He Love's these kids and cares for them, I may not like his life style but he takes care of his family. He works hard during the week and plays hard on the week ends, his 2 girls and his son will tell you that daddy is their best friend, I wish his oldest could say that.My youngest son is my enigma child this man is so hard to read but I know he loves me and his dad, he let's us know so little about his life, We Evan moved across country to be near him and I still know so little about him, But I do like the man he has become he works hard and never walks away from responsibility. How I managed to have 3 kids with such different perspectives on their responsibility's in this life I just don't know.
I still love my son and if he ever needs me I will be there for him I will never turn him away or his kids, I will also never lie to him. I don't like the man he has become, he is lazy ( his father never was he is a man who deals with his respocibiliys) he makes kids and dose not care for them, how can a man walk away from his kids, I just don't understand him. My second born son goes threw fazes where he loves me and then dislikes me,( he always loves his dad) he may dislike me but he never disrespects me. for the longest time I didn't understand him, I am learning to now. He has a good heart but it can also be hard
he can Evan be deliberately cruel I do have at times a hard heart but I have never been deliberately cruel.
my oldest son has 4 living kids 3 girls and 1 boy he See's and cares for none of them, he has a girl who was killed by her mother at 22 months of age this effected him not at all. He is very good at playing the emotion card on people but in truth I don't think he has any. My second son has 4 kids 2 girls and 2 son's his oldest son he has no contact with but he is at least finally paying child support for this awesome kid, Because he is not the center of his son's attention and his son's mother can no longer stand my son he has cut them out of his life he has nothing to do with them. He is married now with 3 kids from this woman and i have to admit that he is a good dad, He Love's these kids and cares for them, I may not like his life style but he takes care of his family. He works hard during the week and plays hard on the week ends, his 2 girls and his son will tell you that daddy is their best friend, I wish his oldest could say that.My youngest son is my enigma child this man is so hard to read but I know he loves me and his dad, he let's us know so little about his life, We Evan moved across country to be near him and I still know so little about him, But I do like the man he has become he works hard and never walks away from responsibility. How I managed to have 3 kids with such different perspectives on their responsibility's in this life I just don't know.
ok
Well yesterday I got a call from someone who I am trying to forget, I got so Happy just hearing his voice he told me he wanted to see me and when I told I could not go to him that he was to far I told him I didn't have the gas and I had to be home by a certain time , I figured he would say that it was nice knowing me but he didn't,When he told me he would come see me god I got so happy but I slowed down and told him not to mess with me to please not promise me some thing he had no intention of giving me, he told me not to be like that that he wanted to see me to talk to me to just hold my and and walk with that he missed me (I believed him). He told me he would leave work early and he would call me when he was on his way.( God I was actually happy for the first time in awhile)
Well the call never came and I crashed to the earth with a thud and a pop, I figured it out if he couldn't get layed why bother with me. So I am now back into reality and feeling pissed, I let my emotions get the better of me I let myself loose focus on me and my Hun I stopped working on our problems to just accept someone else who made me feel wanted and special and smart and Beautiful
What a bunch of bull shit!! So today I am sitting here wondering what the hell do I do now, Because I am so overwhelmed with me and my Huns crap and my emotions are so raw.
Well the call never came and I crashed to the earth with a thud and a pop, I figured it out if he couldn't get layed why bother with me. So I am now back into reality and feeling pissed, I let my emotions get the better of me I let myself loose focus on me and my Hun I stopped working on our problems to just accept someone else who made me feel wanted and special and smart and Beautiful
What a bunch of bull shit!! So today I am sitting here wondering what the hell do I do now, Because I am so overwhelmed with me and my Huns crap and my emotions are so raw.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
My Son.
I went home to live with my Hun and my parents they gave us two room's in the house they lived in, we were married 3 month's after my son's birth. People told him not to marry me that I was a slut a tramp and
junkie ( I sold but I never used- I did smoke pot once or twice though), My neighbor Evan tried to set his daughter up with my Hun ( she was into my brother her dad didn't know).So on my wedding day every one in the neighbor hood was out side my house to see the whore who was married in white, His brother had evan threatend to speak against us at the wedding. well I left my house in my wedding gown my aunt had made (I still reamber nothing about how the patern was chosen or evan who planned the wedding)
I went along with every thing I stood where I was told said what I was told smiled when I was told, I did the whole day just the way they wanted me to ( i was knumb) all i cared about was that I was finnaly going to be with some one who loved me and would keep me safe ( how fucked was I). the first 5 years we fought so much, I looked for any one who would be kind to me my hun wasnt not kind but he was raised to keep a woman in line you beat her and he belived this I think for a while. I left him3 times in the first five years.
Can I pick any perticular reason why I left ,,NO I just hit a wall where I coul'nt go knumb so I left.
I always came back. one of our largest problems was his brother I hated this man ( he died recently and I could'nt cry for him) it mellowed over the years but I never grew to like him, my hun belived i had slept with him i never did, this man reaminded me to much of my uncle. the saddest of all was my hun brought him to live with us ( talk about living in hell) we learned to be cival to each other over the years but I never learned to love him like the brother he was suppose to be.My hun would lash out at me when ever he felt i was out of line, if I said somthing wrong or dinner was not right or if he belived I had not feed the kids properly ( by year 5 we had 3 kids all boy's)if the house was not clean or food was not ready when he got home clothes clean what ever bothered him that day, of course acording to him I always asked for it and of course it was never his falt. (by now your asking why are you still with him) he also had his great moment's he never did good it was alway's great or bad no in between with this guy.He never for a moment let me belive I was not loved by him ( I was'nt trusted but I was loved). he would get me what ever I wanted all I to say was I like that and by the end of the week I had it. when he came home for lunch we would make love at this time and it felt so right.My world whent from day to day sunshine to pain and the best part was I didn't have to deal with people other than him, by this time in my life I trusted no one but him and I liked no one not evan my family, I just wanted him and there were time's where it hurt to think he didn't want me.
junkie ( I sold but I never used- I did smoke pot once or twice though), My neighbor Evan tried to set his daughter up with my Hun ( she was into my brother her dad didn't know).So on my wedding day every one in the neighbor hood was out side my house to see the whore who was married in white, His brother had evan threatend to speak against us at the wedding. well I left my house in my wedding gown my aunt had made (I still reamber nothing about how the patern was chosen or evan who planned the wedding)
I went along with every thing I stood where I was told said what I was told smiled when I was told, I did the whole day just the way they wanted me to ( i was knumb) all i cared about was that I was finnaly going to be with some one who loved me and would keep me safe ( how fucked was I). the first 5 years we fought so much, I looked for any one who would be kind to me my hun wasnt not kind but he was raised to keep a woman in line you beat her and he belived this I think for a while. I left him3 times in the first five years.
Can I pick any perticular reason why I left ,,NO I just hit a wall where I coul'nt go knumb so I left.
I always came back. one of our largest problems was his brother I hated this man ( he died recently and I could'nt cry for him) it mellowed over the years but I never grew to like him, my hun belived i had slept with him i never did, this man reaminded me to much of my uncle. the saddest of all was my hun brought him to live with us ( talk about living in hell) we learned to be cival to each other over the years but I never learned to love him like the brother he was suppose to be.My hun would lash out at me when ever he felt i was out of line, if I said somthing wrong or dinner was not right or if he belived I had not feed the kids properly ( by year 5 we had 3 kids all boy's)if the house was not clean or food was not ready when he got home clothes clean what ever bothered him that day, of course acording to him I always asked for it and of course it was never his falt. (by now your asking why are you still with him) he also had his great moment's he never did good it was alway's great or bad no in between with this guy.He never for a moment let me belive I was not loved by him ( I was'nt trusted but I was loved). he would get me what ever I wanted all I to say was I like that and by the end of the week I had it. when he came home for lunch we would make love at this time and it felt so right.My world whent from day to day sunshine to pain and the best part was I didn't have to deal with people other than him, by this time in my life I trusted no one but him and I liked no one not evan my family, I just wanted him and there were time's where it hurt to think he didn't want me.
Still in the Beginning.
After that things seem to move so quickly for me , My hun and I fought but made up I was 15 when I got pregnant ( sometime's he belive's I got pregnant on pupose- I did'nt)
3 days befor my 16 birthday I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, the doctor's had told me through out my pregnancy to end it because of my age then because my baby would be un healthy that he would have heart problems , you name it they told me it. The day I delived my son the hospital had a couple waiting to take him ( I had never stated at any time that I was giving up my baby) I was so scared I called my mother screaming that the where stealing my baby, I refused to sighn any paperwork they gave me until my mother got there. She came in and pointed he pistal at the doc and informed him he was giving me my son or he was getting a hole in his head,( they gave me my son ) the police was called and when they calmed every one down and found out what was going on they told the hospital to give me my son and let me go or they would be charged with kiddnapping. i went home with no doctor's bill.
3 days befor my 16 birthday I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, the doctor's had told me through out my pregnancy to end it because of my age then because my baby would be un healthy that he would have heart problems , you name it they told me it. The day I delived my son the hospital had a couple waiting to take him ( I had never stated at any time that I was giving up my baby) I was so scared I called my mother screaming that the where stealing my baby, I refused to sighn any paperwork they gave me until my mother got there. She came in and pointed he pistal at the doc and informed him he was giving me my son or he was getting a hole in his head,( they gave me my son ) the police was called and when they calmed every one down and found out what was going on they told the hospital to give me my son and let me go or they would be charged with kiddnapping. i went home with no doctor's bill.
The begining
I was raised in a large family 2 older and 2 younger, frankly I NEVER Doubted my parents love for me, I reamember very little about my child hood other that that one fact My Parents loved me.We had a aunt who lived next door to us and she was married to this guy who liked little girls, the first time he touched me I was six I have tried for so long in my life to forget about him but their are time's where a smell or a sound will bring him back for me.
I was six and he said that he could hurt me or my sister so I let him hurt me, he kept hurting me till I was 9. By the age of 9 I was able to go knumb, I could see what was going on around me but feel nothing, I once watched him as he hurt me up against a wall, he had me stand on a chair so he could reach me ( i was small amd he was a lot taller than me )
and I watched .when he was done he gave me the same line he alway's did, That I was chosen because I was a good girl and so sweet.I finally got him to stop by making friends with the local pimp's I told them he was hurting me( after I thew my self down the stairs so I could have bruises) they beat the hell out of him and told him to leave me alone.. He did (by this time my sister was entering her teens and could take care of herr self) she was always older than me but I always belived I had to take care of her, I knew somthing was wrong with her before my parents did, I knew it always.by the of 11 i was a cronic Runnaway I had been to 3 private shools, ( 2 catholic and 1 baptist) i was thown out of all of them . I was hanging out in pool halls and club's smoking pot a scewing any guy who wanted me. I evan slept with my sister boy friend he was 21. he wanted me to go with him to california.(I was'nt even 12 yet) at 12 the state got tired of my bull shit and was going to put me away, befor they did I me my Saving grace. He made want to be better
I did'nt under stand it and it even scared me (alot) I started going to school , I started staying home waiting for him to come over to see me after he got off of work, he was 4 years older than me and and a whole other world he was a world in witch I felt clean and loved and wanted. He was someone who wanted me, he belived i could do well in this world. when iI was 12 just 2 weeks after meeting him he told my mother he was going to marry me, she laughed at him. well the state did send me away i was sent to a youth center and yes I did run away from there ( I took the whole Dam floor with me 20 girls total). The state finnaly gave up when my mother told them what a good influence my Hun was on me how he had me going to school and staying home at night ( They no longer needed to nail my windows shut- I still got out) and I was behaving .
I was placed on probation and sent home (to behave).At this time I was breaking tie's with my pimp buddie's and my Drug buddie's ( I could sell coke to pepsie) and they was not pleased with me, twice they tried to rape me and twice i fought back, when I finnaly set one on fire they got the message to leave me alone.
At this time my sister had a new boy friend who like to beat her, he even tried to rape me. I fixed his ass good I gave him a dirty batch of coke that put in the hospital for 3 weeks when he got out I put a knife to his neck and woke him , I explaned how things where going to be from then on, ( he neverr hit my sister again.)
I was six and he said that he could hurt me or my sister so I let him hurt me, he kept hurting me till I was 9. By the age of 9 I was able to go knumb, I could see what was going on around me but feel nothing, I once watched him as he hurt me up against a wall, he had me stand on a chair so he could reach me ( i was small amd he was a lot taller than me )
and I watched .when he was done he gave me the same line he alway's did, That I was chosen because I was a good girl and so sweet.I finally got him to stop by making friends with the local pimp's I told them he was hurting me( after I thew my self down the stairs so I could have bruises) they beat the hell out of him and told him to leave me alone.. He did (by this time my sister was entering her teens and could take care of herr self) she was always older than me but I always belived I had to take care of her, I knew somthing was wrong with her before my parents did, I knew it always.by the of 11 i was a cronic Runnaway I had been to 3 private shools, ( 2 catholic and 1 baptist) i was thown out of all of them . I was hanging out in pool halls and club's smoking pot a scewing any guy who wanted me. I evan slept with my sister boy friend he was 21. he wanted me to go with him to california.(I was'nt even 12 yet) at 12 the state got tired of my bull shit and was going to put me away, befor they did I me my Saving grace. He made want to be better
I did'nt under stand it and it even scared me (alot) I started going to school , I started staying home waiting for him to come over to see me after he got off of work, he was 4 years older than me and and a whole other world he was a world in witch I felt clean and loved and wanted. He was someone who wanted me, he belived i could do well in this world. when iI was 12 just 2 weeks after meeting him he told my mother he was going to marry me, she laughed at him. well the state did send me away i was sent to a youth center and yes I did run away from there ( I took the whole Dam floor with me 20 girls total). The state finnaly gave up when my mother told them what a good influence my Hun was on me how he had me going to school and staying home at night ( They no longer needed to nail my windows shut- I still got out) and I was behaving .
I was placed on probation and sent home (to behave).At this time I was breaking tie's with my pimp buddie's and my Drug buddie's ( I could sell coke to pepsie) and they was not pleased with me, twice they tried to rape me and twice i fought back, when I finnaly set one on fire they got the message to leave me alone.
At this time my sister had a new boy friend who like to beat her, he even tried to rape me. I fixed his ass good I gave him a dirty batch of coke that put in the hospital for 3 weeks when he got out I put a knife to his neck and woke him , I explaned how things where going to be from then on, ( he neverr hit my sister again.)
Today..5/4/2011
I started this in the hope's that it will help me to figure out what is happening in my mind.
I have loved My husband for over 34 years he has been my lover and not just in the physical but
emotional, he has been my truest friend and my help mate, and yet I find my self in these past few month's douting his love for me and questioning my love for him.I find my self thinking a lot about some who I became friends with, as I trpe this I am foolishly wiping tears away from my face, why am I crying ,
Hell if I know.
I wish I could go back , you see in the years before ( after the 7th year) I was able to go knumb, by knumb I mean not give a shit about anything but my husband and my son's. I did'nt care about any one other than them it did'nt bother me to have no friend's because I knew they would screw me over. it will take a while for me to break this down to hopfully understand this. so let's begin:
I have loved My husband for over 34 years he has been my lover and not just in the physical but
emotional, he has been my truest friend and my help mate, and yet I find my self in these past few month's douting his love for me and questioning my love for him.I find my self thinking a lot about some who I became friends with, as I trpe this I am foolishly wiping tears away from my face, why am I crying ,
Hell if I know.
I wish I could go back , you see in the years before ( after the 7th year) I was able to go knumb, by knumb I mean not give a shit about anything but my husband and my son's. I did'nt care about any one other than them it did'nt bother me to have no friend's because I knew they would screw me over. it will take a while for me to break this down to hopfully understand this. so let's begin:
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